I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
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Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Think I pulled my liver
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.