if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
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[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Sounds like a bargain
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”