Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
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There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.