Your honor these allegations are
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My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
This could’ve been an email.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.