My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
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Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
crying
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.