My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
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Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA