DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
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I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.