Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
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Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
So true for me
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.