Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
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25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.