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I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…