Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
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[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Nose
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Me when someone tries to get to know me
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.