I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
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killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Squirrels before girls.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…