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Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Stonehinge
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.