2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
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How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…