Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
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Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying