Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.

The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too

Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.

you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve

My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

figuring out my emotional availability:

If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

HIM: Do you have raisins?

ME: I have grapes and patience.

Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one

My iPhone does NOT rule my life.

Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.

Wife: Do the dishes

Me: Can’t. Holding the baby

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Can’t. Baby

Wife: Change the baby

Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.

wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”

We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.