DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
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When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]