The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
You Might Also Like
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow