You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
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[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
lmaaaaaooooooooo
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh