stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
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He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
I’m a self-made hundredaire
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.