Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
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I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.