person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
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I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn鈥檛 any space left for me to sign it
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Wife鈥檚 asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
[on a date]
him: I hope you鈥檙e a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
SHE SAID YES!! 馃槏馃槏馃槏馃拲馃拲馃拲 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I鈥檓 white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Apparently changing the locks isn鈥檛 funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, 鈥渢he Dark Lord stands at the crossroads