Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
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Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine