I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
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I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?