“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
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WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble