*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
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Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
*exercises sarcastically*
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
nature’s most graceful animal
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.