A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
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[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Is your wife single?
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.