[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
You Might Also Like
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Meat Cute
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown