[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
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4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
look at me when i’m typing to you
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.