Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
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detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.