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What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest