“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
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Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule