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How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.