*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
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I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
wtf is a larm clock?
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream