dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
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(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.