12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
You Might Also Like
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Potatoes were such a good idea
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…