I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
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[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
“what’s it like having a sister?”
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it