If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
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ME: not today satan
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!