Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
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*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
I saw nothing
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
“and how does that make you feel?”
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.