My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
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[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Admin smashed it 😂
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
I finally found a reason to live again.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.