“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
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[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.