hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
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[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
How do you like your Corgi?
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?