Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
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The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?