I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
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Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what