When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
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I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope