(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
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[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”