*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
You Might Also Like
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
TRAIN’S HERE
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear