I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
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3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
How do dragons blow out candles?
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.