“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
You Might Also Like
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.