how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
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Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.